Staring Up at a New Habit.


You ever feel like you're at the bottom, just staring up? Staring up at the habit you wish was, indeed, a habit.  

You ever fall into the same old habits, or as my shrink used to call them "negative coping tools"?

I suppose I'm the only one.  

Here's the thing.  The first 6 months of marriage hit me like a Mack truck.  And I don't think there is any good way to get hit by a Mack truck.  Who was this person in "my" house..."my" space. Where did I go?  New last name? Who am I? My old friend, Depression, decided to say hi.  It turns out that talking through all of this with Mom, friends...and, oh yeah, that guy in my house, helped ease the transition.  Scary things aren't as scary when they're out in the light of day.  

Which leads me to a WTF moment.  If marriage is going well, business is booming, I'm moderately healthy and we have food, friends and shelter, then why the hell am I still mired down in the negative habits that got me through those 6 months...and through many tough times in the past.  Let's be honest...negative coping tools help or we wouldn't do them.  But sometimes they stop serving us and I'm sick of my Fab Four: shopping , eating , drinking and sitting too much.  All of them numbed the pain enough to help me get through a day or 20, but's time for new ones. 

Healthy food desert in sight.  Walks around the block - mine happens to be a perfect mile.  One glass of wine in the evening...same effect as 4, but 75% fewer calories.  Being content with what I already own.  That hit of dopamine from something new only lasts a few minutes.  

So here I am.  Standing at the bottom, looking up.  But while I'm looking, I'm going to unlace my shoes, because I just walked a mile.